aftershock

after the incident last friday, i have never had a good sleep or a peaceful mind.

friday night was the worst. i managed to stop those tears but still, getting a rest was very difficult.
i was just lying in my bed, memories flashing back without effort even if i keep on trying to
forget about it.

as i recall what are the stuffs inside my bag, i kept on feeling the fear and thinking of all the what ifs.
what if they will try to do it again to me, or what if they will try hurting me, etc.
i wanted them to be in prison. that would make me feel safe.
i am hoping to get some call from the police station but unfortunately nothing came.

it was such a stressful weekend.
eventhough there was suppose to be something to be celebrated on.

since i do not have any working sim, i cannot use my fon and he cannot contact me.
unfortunately, as i was trying my best to do a surprise, he arrived earlier than i expected.
he was in such a hurry and told me that we had to go to SM to meet William.
we had to meet with them by 1145 at it was already 1145 when he arrived home.
i was not even dressed or i did not even took a bath yet.
at first i declined. i felt safer at home, but he insisted.
i hurriedly prepared and we went to SM to meet with them.
while in the taxi, we still are speechless.
it was a special day, but we are seems in a hurry, so tired and so stressed out.

we waited for a while in sm, until they arrived.
we had lunch and discussion.
we finished at around 130pm, and we went ahead because we still had to prepare several stuffs.
we went to our first errand, then to the next, and to the last errand.

since we do not have a key to the apartment, we went to abellana to borrow key.
we met up with some of the housemates who is on the way home.

when we arrived home, that was the time where we cooked and feasted on the food.
we were suppose to watch prison break but decided to postpone it until next week.

i want him to go home early.
i still dont feel safe and i know he is not safe also.

i was just in the sala watching tv until around 10pm, when i realized i was already sleeping.
since mark is still in the sala, i just stayed there for a while.
i woke up around 1030, mark is gone so i went upstairs.
good thing i was really sleepy because i was able to rest.

since i already bought a sim, my fon is already on.
i woke up and when i checked my fon it was already 349pm.
i was shocked, i could not believe i slept from 1030pm to 349pm of course.
since i was scared to turn off the light that night, i could not fully recognize if it
was really sunday afternoon or sunday dawn.
i went out of the room and checked and realized that it was actually 349am.

i could not get back to sleep.
i was arranging the contacts on my fon.
i still could not sleep.
i read for the saved messages, deleted to personal ones(being careful in case i lost it again)
i still could not sleep until 430am.
i texted him, i texted my sister.
i told them i am afraid.
i was already crying, i was praying but i was actually trembling.
i am really scared.
after several more minutes of prayer,
i was calm, when i decided to get up.
i ironed some clothes and fixed my room.
around 6am, sun was up, when i decided to go down to the sala
i bought my pillow and my blanket
i watched tv.
i fall asleep in the middle of the shows.
tv really makes me sleep.
how i wished it was in my room so i do not have to
fit myself in the couch.
around 9am when all my other housemates were awake.
i am a little sleepy so i went back to bed.

he called me up, told me that we go to church in the morning.
but he realized that i was still sleepy, we decided to go in the afternoon instead.

it was one good sunday.
we finished our errands,
was able to attend the mass
go to sto nino
go to usc
and went home early.

i went to bed around 1am.
i am still not sleepy.
in my mind,
it's already working day tomorrow.
i will be facing the effect of the incident last friday
process my papers, etc
and i have to go to the office which i fear most.
again i cried..
but i stopped myself from texting him again..
i know i will just worry him..
and i know this is not a good time to do it.

i managed to sleep,
wake up early and went to the office with korn
they agreed to wait for me so that we will go to the office together
i told them i am still scared.

i arrived later that my planned time but it was ok.
i am safe.

i started processing stuffs.
went to the bank, called several offices.

it was in the afternoon that i felt bad.
i had to go to an attorney for the affidavit of loss.
he was busy
so i decided to go alone instead of bugging him to tag along with me
im scared, reluctant to go
which is why my undertime which is suppose to be from 2pm
was moved to 3pm.

i managed to finish it until 5pm.
i wanted to go ayala coz i badly needed a shampoo but decided not to go
i was expecting that i can ask him to bring me to ayala so we could buy it
i also do not want to go to jy.
but from the way we texted, i knew he was busy.
he was being pestered by a great person who does not know how to work
in a team. how i hate that guy!

i arrived at the office 447pm.
i finished some tasks, and office works.
we chatted, and since its almost 6pm,
he told me he is going home.
too late to ask him not too.
i know he has a lot of things to finish too..
i know he has to go home early also for his kuya
and i know he has to go home early to be safe...

i felt so alone...
but i know i could not sacrifice his safety for me...
i know he has other things to finish..
i know we should prioritize it...
it happens that it is during these times that i also needed someone
because i am so scared of what happened
but i know i have to be strong.
although most of the times, i felt safe just inside the house
i no longer what to go out..
i felt safe now i am inside the office with many people...
i do not want to go alone
ride in the taxi alone...
walk alone...

this is such a torture...