independent

these days, ive felt like i am having depression. going back in cebu with having my auntie and brother holding some grudge against me and not having a good birthday, then coming back seeing soi not quite well are reasons enough for me not to feel good. ive been looking forward for busy days at work and busy weekends with soi yet, i was stuck at home due to rains and asean summit(transportation were frozen or taking a taxi or jeepney has been so difficult), coz i have nothing else to do, and i do not want to spend so much coz im saving for my insurance and i wanted to purchase a new cp.

most of the time, im bothered, not in the mood, insecure, and i always wanted to be alone....i wanted to think, to cry, or i wanted to feel happy to forget those things bothering me..i wanted to be preoccupied and i wanted to be wid soi so i wouldnt feel like im all alone and i wanted to feel secure knowing i have him beside me and i am with him always...

ive realized that i am always affected and i am always sad, whenever we are not together...i wanted to feel secure even when we are apart yet i think my faith shattered during those times that he is struggling to move on with his breakup and formal closure with his ex...i do not want my happiness to depend on him..i wanted to be happy having him and going out with him, yet i wanted to be ok even without those things...at this time, i cant afford to feel bad if things doesnt go my way...

i wanted to set some goals for myself and i wanted those goals achieved..i wanted to be successful and support my family with all their needs, prepare a future for myself and make myself better even without those people around me...i wanted to be preoccupied even if i do not have friends to go out with, even if my boyfriend is not around to accompany me, even if my family is busy with their own lives, even if some of my family member doesnt feel good about me, even if my job is not that rewarding, even if my boss or my management doesnt recognize those things that i have been doing for the project and for the company...

i wanted to be happy even alone...