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"kami pro parang hindi"


i have always heard about a situation where: "parang kyo pro hindi", happens...ive always thought that it could be very difficult..not knowing where to stand, cant do something coz there is no commitment or whatsoever..hahay..love..

but mine's different..there was us..but it feels like there's none..i got the courage to ask the person if what is it that we have..but, should i have done it or not? yes, there was an us but most of the time it feels like there was nothing..most of the time, it feels like there's no us..

i feel bad..i feel bad for not doing something when i know i should be doing it..i feel bad for not doing something because i am afraid what would be the effect is..i feel bad for being so silent about it..i feel bad for crying coz i wanted to be with him and i cant..i feel bad for acting as if we do not know each other when we actually do..when there is actually something going on between us..i feel bad coz i cannot show him that i love him..

kami pro parang hindi..yes, kami na..pro we are not actually acting as one..no, we are acting as one sometimes, but only when people doesnt see us..masakit..mas masakit pa sa hindi m alam kng ano kayo pro prang kayo..ur acting as kau..regardless of the presence of the people around..mas masakit kasi ur holding on to something pro hindi mo maipakita..masakit kasi alam mong pwede mong gawin ang isang bagay pro ur holding it back kasi hindi pa alam ng mga tao..

ang hirap...alam k naman kasi na pwede lang naman eh..alam na alam k na wla namang problema f kausapin k sya..f maging sweet ako sa kanya..f magdemand ako ng time sa kanya, nang attention...kami naman d ba? pro hindi k magawa..kasi may mga tao na nakatingin..kasi may mga tao na makakita...ang hirap..napa kahirap..sometimes, m thinking..y should i be bothered with what would people think..eh kami naman? anong masama dun? pra kasing hindi nya gusto..hindi k alam eh..hndi kami masyado naguusap tungkol dun...natatakot ako..

pro masaya ako..pati mga friends k..boyfriend k na sya eh..pro minsan kasi, hindi eh..minsan umiiyak pa rin ako..minsan eh nasasaktan pa rin ako..paano kng itease sya sa ibang babae..wla namang nakakaalam na may girlfriend na sya..paano kng yayain sya nang kabarkada nya tapos may usapan din kami? paano kng in d middle of the day eh may kailangan ako..paano kng magkita kami..ano ang magiging reaction k? parang wla lang? eh hindi naman totoo eh..ang totoo kasi gusto k sweet ung smile k sa kanya..ang gusto k pag may problema ako. sya takbuhan k...pag kakain sana eh magkasama kami..pag may food ako eh bibigyan k sya..d ba ang sweet..pag wla akong magawa, kukulitin k sya..kahit he's busy..ang sarap isipin noh? sarap isipin na pwede kng magawa un..pro masakit isipin na there is something keeping me from doing it..

pra naman akong criminal...pakiramdam k ang laki nang kasalanan k sa buong mundo pag may makakita sa amin..pag gnawa k ang mga bagay na gusto kng gawin..pag pinakita k ang feelings k sa kanya..

mahal nman nya ako..oo..sinabi nya un..ipinakita nya rin un...mraming beses na..pro alam k, hindi pa sya ready...

kailan pa kaya?

maghihintay na lang ako..kasi baka nasa akin lang naman ang problema..kasi baka ako lang ung hinihintay nya..n d first place, i was even the reason y we are keeping it..kahit ako sa tingin k hindi pa rin naman ready na mlaman nang tao ang tungkol sa amin..pro sana naman pag may nakakita eh bale walain na lang...what's d point of inviting me to go with u or to agree na sabay kaming magpasyal or kumain f matatakot ka na may mkakita sa iyo d ba...wla lang..m consoling myself..at the same time thinking..baka ako lang ksi ang may problema...baka naman kasi there is something that i should do pra mawala na rin itong sakit na nararamdaman k...baka kasi ako lang din ang makapagbigay ng solusyon sa pinoproblema k...hindi k rin kasi alam kng naka pagisip na ba sya tungkol dito..hindi k rin alam f he is concerned about this..about us..or baka naman i jst have to be sensitive..or i would jst have to face my fear and start asking him or let him talk about it...later on kasi, mangyayari dn ang kinatatakutan k d ba..hindi k alam...natatakot ako..natatakot akong masaktan...

kasi...mahal k na masyado sya..

at sana...maipakita k na..khit may ibang tao pa..

;)