expecting the worst yet trying to be strong and hoping for the best

i do not understand what i feel ryt now...

few weeks ago, i received some bad news from home....my lola is not doing well and she was rushed to the hospital...she was not admitted but was undergoing some medications and treatment...days later, she was again rushed to the hosp coz she was not again feeling well, and was complaining about her tummy....this time, she was admitted but not for long...after less than a week, she was ok and they went home...

during xmas break, i was able to see how she was doing..and most of the time, she will jst spend her day at her room, no appetite, always complaining of the food, and always having tummy aches...she's no longer the jolly and noisy lola i had...

i went back to cebu after vacation and jst last week, nanay told me that she was again rushed to the hospital coz she throwed up some blood...twas scary..i could have cried when i was there...my aunt who is in manila went home to see her and i could really say that its really serious letting my aunt decide to come home...

yesterday, they texted me, they went home already coz she's already fine after the blood transfusion...twas a relief coz i was really thinking that she might be staying longer...but i think things have already come to worst...jst this morning my sister told me that lola was again rushed last nyt coz of high blood pressure...complications starting to come out...its as if she had a mild stroke as what my sis told me...

now, i dnt want to leave...i dnt knw what to say, i dnt know what to feel except that there is so much fear in me i am trying to neglect...

ive got lots and lots of stuffs that needs to be tackled with...so much stuffs that i need to confront but i dnt knw which one to prioritize..everything gives me pain...

"love is the absence of fear"

i think it is not only love but for everything...i need faith in HIM...that everything will be turning out right...i am in so much need of it in everything that is happening to me ryt now...this is not the only fear that i might going to lose my lola and i myt not be here...there is also another fear of losing someone eventually...

i dont knw where to get all my strength...i dnt knw where to get all my hope....i dnt knw where to grab for support....

fufufu... :( m so lost...m leaving tomorrow but i dnt want to with this state of mind...with this kind of feeling and with this kind of situation...

waahh!!! i dnt knw how to make myself expect the worst, but trying to be strong for someone and hoping that everything wll be for the best...

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