independent

these days, ive felt like i am having depression. going back in cebu with having my auntie and brother holding some grudge against me and not having a good birthday, then coming back seeing soi not quite well are reasons enough for me not to feel good. ive been looking forward for busy days at work and busy weekends with soi yet, i was stuck at home due to rains and asean summit(transportation were frozen or taking a taxi or jeepney has been so difficult), coz i have nothing else to do, and i do not want to spend so much coz im saving for my insurance and i wanted to purchase a new cp.

most of the time, im bothered, not in the mood, insecure, and i always wanted to be alone....i wanted to think, to cry, or i wanted to feel happy to forget those things bothering me..i wanted to be preoccupied and i wanted to be wid soi so i wouldnt feel like im all alone and i wanted to feel secure knowing i have him beside me and i am with him always...

ive realized that i am always affected and i am always sad, whenever we are not together...i wanted to feel secure even when we are apart yet i think my faith shattered during those times that he is struggling to move on with his breakup and formal closure with his ex...i do not want my happiness to depend on him..i wanted to be happy having him and going out with him, yet i wanted to be ok even without those things...at this time, i cant afford to feel bad if things doesnt go my way...

i wanted to set some goals for myself and i wanted those goals achieved..i wanted to be successful and support my family with all their needs, prepare a future for myself and make myself better even without those people around me...i wanted to be preoccupied even if i do not have friends to go out with, even if my boyfriend is not around to accompany me, even if my family is busy with their own lives, even if some of my family member doesnt feel good about me, even if my job is not that rewarding, even if my boss or my management doesnt recognize those things that i have been doing for the project and for the company...

i wanted to be happy even alone...

burrying myself to work(January 22 post)

this is what i do to help myself not to think of something..

i am not in my proper state of mind today i think...but, i successfully finished coding(or so i thought)
which means, i managed to concentrate on my work despite of everything

last nyt, while i was finishing our video, i received a phone call from nanay saying that they admitted tatay coz his blood pressure is so high...i guess it was another stroke attack...
but look at me, i am still so engrossed with video editing while the thought is going through my head.
why? because i do not want to entertain the thought and i do not want to fear the pain...

this morning, i woke up early to prepare something which will eventually go to waste
but look at me now, i read a story from the email which made me decide differently and even manage to smile

and now, i havent noticed that it is already 6pm, i have submitted my code for review earlier at 330, and is now setting up something...
i guess work is a very good therapy for a bothered person...
im grateful i was able to have focus on it...

im learning how to be fearless...
no, i have learned how to neglect my feelings that is...

i know my father will be fine...
and for the something which i made this morning?
the something which i really forced myself to wake up early despite sleeping late?
what the heck if he doesnt care! damn! i do! =)

Lubot-lubot at costabella wid Pido Dida

i so like the title of the game =D lubot means butt. its the title of the game which our batchmate made during our send off party at costabella mactan. the mechanics, spell the name of the places where aprilfools has gone to using ur lubot =D the rules are: none, but was later on modified since with just one or two letters, the answer would be guessed making it less challenging. so to make it even fun, the places should be spelled backwards with at least 3 letters before a guess can be made... anyways, one of our batch mate will be leaving the country the next day, so we set a laag for the group on a sunday..it was decided to have it in costabella since its not that far, the place is good, it has a buffet so we need not worry about foods and other stuffs....730 to 8am, we met at the office and head off to mactan. around 9am, we arrived at the place, had some chitchat and swimming, den lunch buffet. the best part is when we finished our lunch. we "released" our music video, and showed our batchmate the video tribute for him which really made him cry...then, we had the games. it was really fun, since it is a competition. girls vs boys. it was rinnel's first time to join us on our sort of major laag and im happy he also enjoyed it especially the lubot lubot where he is the only person who spelled the word up to 4 letters. we went swimming afterwards then, we formed the aprilfools in the pool. we had dinner at Mby's and then went home. it was really a fun as in super fun laag for me. thanks to ate di for taking a very beautiful pic of us..i so so like it =)

updates

its been almost a year since i updated my blog...the reason is: it was blocked here at the office...

anyways, what has up with me lately?

i am super duper overworked and super abused. after the project where we had our business trip, we are transferred to the group where rinnel is also in...its a simulator project which really works super overtime...since we are the seniors, we were actually given some high level roles..haha...it was challenging..working with all the sde1 engineers who are more knowledgeable than us..ehehe...we worked so hard that it was my first time to receive a really big pay!! but all just vanished because we are always eating out, riding taxi when going home and eating out even on weekends...which, made me gain so much weight..huhuhu

i was able to finally give my ultimatum, but i reget it =( it has caused so much pain....i really regret doing it...and i hope i am forgiven...but, one major thing happened which really touches my heart...awss.....

aprilfools is starting to grow smaller and smaller...last october we had 3 batchmates who resigned in just a weeks time...early this year, another one also resigned and a lot more coming...i can see us growing though...hopefully there would be a bright future for us all..for those who left and for those who remained who are trying to reach their dreams and for those who are staying for some contract..haha...we had some major laags before 4 of them left...we had a laag at moal boal where we shoot our mtv, and a send off party/welcoming/bday of those who are not here/celebration of promotion at costabella where we really had fun playing lubot lubot with our new game coordinator =)

my sister has finally finished her review and has successfully passed! wee!!! =D we already had our CPA ;) she is currently looking for job, which i hope she will soon find, so she will be mature enough to know how to decide for herself...my other sister just shocked us when she informed us that they are having plans of getting married...nanay reacted so much..hahaha....she was telling her to think if she really wanted to get married before me.....ehehe..i told her to go ahead...ehehe...wedding was not really much of a topic for us now... =)

and lastly, i finally made the move for something which i have been really scared of last november..i had a positive result early this month, and is waiting for confirmation..but just when everything was set and planned, another something came up...it is a really super great opportunity making me have second thoughts...so now, i am just praying, that if its for me, then it will fall freely to me =) i cannot tell the details yet, but i wanted to post another entry about it =)

it's back! and i deleted it

blogspot is finally back at the office! yipee! i can go back blogging now..ehehe...more distractions..ahah =D

nyways, i had an entry before where i chose not to delete entries here which talks about something but now i decided to delete it. i wanted to completely erase it...there were 2 entries that i deleted. it is because, i wanted something from someone else' stuff be deleted..hahay...i know i cant let that person do it...but well, ill just do my part =)

more entries to come! ahaha...if im inspired to write =p