next

one more weekend and another week here at work and ill be back in cebu..

• * i "was" excited to go home, but now im excited for the next week to come...hopefully i can make the most out of it..
• * its already march...its gonna be our youngest's graduation...m quite excited..she's gonna be the last to graduate..not literally though..my other sister is planning to go back to school this year too...
• * its 6months officially, 9months unofficial :D
• * march i guess will be a busy month...release for EMS and start of testing on April...
• * holy week...
• * after march will be april...baby joshie will turn 1year old :D
• * aprilfools will be celebrating our 3rd year anniversary..i wonder where it will be..but i guess its not gonna be complete :( some are on AOTS, some will be going on AOTS...
• * it also means that its been 3 years that im away from home, and working :D
• * 2 more years and im done with my DOST bond....felt old already..tsk tsk
• * another merit rating...hopefully id get a good rating this time..ehehe...

what else?

my post became my list of something to look forward to for the coming months..ehehe...

truth

truth really hurts big time!

while it hasnt come, the anticipation is torturing...

and hearing these from people:

"Because you cannot choose to let go of one hand and hold on to another,

and still long for that someone you let go of"

"..love was never made to be fair.."

"..if you let him/her go he/she has to move on.."

what's left is for him to confirm it..
when that time comes, that's when it hurts the most and i will jst have to accept it...

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference..."

time is flying fast

i remembered last year when i am so busy with our current project. twas march or april last year, when my brother's wife asked me for a nice name for their coming baby. she wanted to have two names for him and starts with "J" and "A". i personally like josh or joshua for a guy's name so that's my first suggestion. i was browsing through the pdf file anne gave me which contains baby name, when i came across andre. josh andre. sounds nice and cute to me and it actually matches my brother's name which is andrew. andrew and andre.

mae, gave birth to josh april 15, 2005. i was really so eager to go home. but since we have to finish our project, i have to wait for may to come, jst in time for my niece's birthday. josh was already 1month old that time.
he is really an angel. he is so cute, so fat, so white and really big for his age. i was finally able to carry him and hug him...

since work is in cebu, i have to go back and wait for another vacation to come for me to see josh again...it was like he is our first baby since he is the first one who was really with us always since birth. his sister was not always with us and is just visiting us. we also wasnt able to see her as a baby since they are in manila..
when i went back home on december, josh has really grown up..he is starting to talk, started talking, know how to laugh, can recognize people and is jst so much fun! i never grew tired of him that despite the lack of sleep and tiredness, i still prefer to spend my vacation baby sitting him..

this march or april, he will be turning 1year old...cant wait to see him again...im sure he already know how to really talk and walk!

twas like, i was not able to notice it, but its been a year already =)

a lot of things has happened...travel, changes, loss, new stuffs...time flies really fast that i was not actually noticing that i am growing older too...tsk tsk...

i just hope that as josh is growing, his tita would be growing too.. =)

be more mature, be more responsible, be more courageous, focus more, and more disciplined...
=)

today...

i have been smiling
but my heart is actually crying

happy hearts day!
status messages, emails, greetings...
surprises and all..

i wasnt able to stop feeling envious and alone..

m not loveless but i dnt know why i actually felt sad..
i was so busy d whole day but why i was actually able to have time for this to feel this way...

plan was cancelled, nothing special, no nothing...
got a lot of things to thank for for today actually...m thankful that there are still people who wanted to make us feel very special..

thank you and im sorry...

him: ingatz...
him: happy valentines...
him: take care...
him: bye bye
me: hpi vday
me: bye

and it stopped there...

how i wish this day is already over....

i was not suppose to feel ds way..tsk tsk..

question...

if you're a guy, and u had a conflict wid ur girl...
she is crying, u asked her:

"r u tired with it?"

what does that mean?

shall i say, you wanted to give up??

...

i am thinking...

i wanted to escape
go away and not feel this pain

i wanted to leave
leave you and i can stop anticipating

i wanted to let go
let you do what you wanted to do

i wanted to move on
move away from this pain i am going through..

but i wanted to stay
stay beside you and feel your love

and i wanted to wait
wait for you to be ready

i wanted to be with you
be with you and help you and support you

i wanted to love...
love you without any fear
love you without any questions
love you without any doubts
love you with all my trust
love you coz its all i wanna do

i wanted to stay this way
this way where i am happy

i wanted to be strong
be strong for us and for you

coz it is the us that i wanted
it is the us that keeps me going

and it is you
and what you made me feel that makes me willing..
willing to go through this pain
willing to wait though im hurting
and willing to love you still..

i wanted to continue loving you...
coz i really do...

i love you...too?

was browsing the net and checking out blogs when i come across this:

Try to find someone who will not just listen when you say "I love you," but someone who will say it, too, and love you even more.


need i say more?

...

ive learned to...

ive learned to choose
ive learned to decide on my own
ive learned to trust
ive learned to be patient
ive learned to wait
ive learned to fight
ive learned to be strong

ive learned this all from you...

thank you and i love you...

when u said u dnt want to undergo that laboratory
when u said ur scared something myt happen during that time
when u said ul think about it coz u still wanna live longer....

cnt help not comparing
but i can recall how tiyoy is looking at u and mama carmen at the hospital that day...
he wanted to say something, he wanted to talk..he wanted to stay longer but his time has come

if only i am also piper...
and i was able to see the angel of death coming
i could have begged to the elders and to the avatars not to get you yet

there are things that are simply out of control...
but i hoped we could have made ourselves prepared for whatever it is that is coming..

i cant stop thinking how nanay is..
i knw how painful it is for her...
i know how painful it is for her to see u suffer
she seems strong talking to me on the fon..
she seems alright, and have accepted it while i am crying all through out the conversation
i was even irritated why tatay keep on getting my attention telling me not to worry
telling me i should have been relieved to see u at peace
but i simply cant...
and however i take my mind off this, i simply cant..
i am staying up so late so that when i go to bed, i would be tired that i will no longer
be able to think and will be able to get my sleep..

i wanted to shut up but i simply have to let this out..
i should stop writing coz everytime i pour this emotion out on through this
i am on the verge of crying..
wanted to go to any of their rooms at nyt, dnt wanna be alone..
wanted to talk to them but we are all busy..
we are all tired when we arrive at the hotel...

seeking comfort but found none last monday nyt...
wanted to cry and cry...
been crying so hard that i felt like m out of breath
kept on crying and i really wanted to shout..
wanted to let this pain out
but i cant stop..

until when will i feel like this :(

Silent World

If I could put you, on top of a cake I would ice you ...
and keep you, wrapped up in a box to be near you ...
if I could ... I would ...

If I could touch you, again with my fingers so gently ...
if I could feel you, breathing in time next to me ...

but the silence surrounds me,
flashing memories of you, riding with the moon that night.
I never had the chance to say goodbye ...
goodbye ...

Lost, forever, lost to another world ...
Gone, forever, but remembered in our thoughts ...
You are ...

If I could open, the heavens above I'd be with you ...
if I could hold you, again in my arms I would tell you ...
that ...

I love you ...

twas the first time u asked something from me
i guess u have seen what i gave them and u liked it
twas the first time that u told me to bring u something

and so when on my first weekend, that was actually the first thing that i boughtit took me so long deciding which one to buy...i know its not something that is really expensive but i want it to be extra special...i wanted to look for the nicest watch but the one that is also suitable for you..

was so excited after that...i love giving something that i know would make some one happy...i kept the watch and was eager to go home..i was even thinking when to go home to bacolod and give it to you...

i knw that we are not that really close...but for me, u have been the coolest lola i ever had i always remembered how u would go around ur place to look for food when i am visiting you...i do not like the place nor i enjoyed playing mahjong and be around a lot of people but when, ur alone in ur house i never hesitated to sleep there and accompany you...

i cannot forget how u scold me once..that was the first and the last fight i had with you...i was fighting with my brother and my cousin..u told me m maldita..i was angry...i did not talkto you but still, i asked ur help on our project...we are asked to sew something and i know ur the one who knows how to do it best...

i knw u were reluctant to be with us in the house coz u dnt want to leave ur old place..but u were later on convinced...everything changed after that...but i never regret having u closer to us...u were never strict and was able to jive with all of our "teenage" stuffs that not all older people were able to understand...

this time, when i go home, i would no longer see the lola who is always at the door of our kitchen...u will no longer be the first person i am going to see when i arrive and open the door...there will be no one shouting outside, talking and making friends with those who are going around the area and sell fish and vegetables, there will be no one who will go out and call our neighboors to play mahjong...

i will miss the noise, i will miss the laughs and the chuckles...i will miss lying in the sofa while watching tv and someone will be stroking my hair and talk to me...

i will miss hugging someone who dances when she's happy...

i know i should stop crying..i know i should stop feeling this way..i know i should stop feeling alone and feeling unfair why i have to leave when u are in that state..i know i should stop feeling bad coz i wasnt able to give u ur watch and smile while watching u dance and smiling and singing while showing to people what i got you...but i know u knew that i simply cant...i simply cant coz even ryt now that i feel a little better, i still feel the pain of losing u...